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“She sure is. She’s also high-maintenance.”

He frowned.“What’s high-maintenance, Max?”

“When a cat wants you to fetch her Swiss chocolates or else.”

“I’ll fetch her Swiss chocolates. I’ll fetch her all the Swiss chocolates she needs,” he said.

He had that dumb look in his eyes that goes along with being in love. Yeah, Dooley had it bad, I saw. So that’s why he was cool with Harriet and Brutus. He’d transferred his affections to another queen. Well, maybe it was for the best. At least he wouldn’t bother me with his endless moaning about Harriet.

“Don’t you think she has the most beautiful eyes, Max? Like rays of sunshine? Or, better yet, golden orbs that reflect the world’s early dawn?”

Oh, crap. This was even worse.

Harriet and Brutus walked up. Apparently you can’t live on love alone, for Brutus barked, “Where’s my meat? I thought we were getting meat? You two morons didn’t eat my meat, did you? Cause if you did, there’ll be hell to pay!”

“Here’s your meat,” I said, indicating Brutus’s bowl.

“Good,” he muttered. “I need meat. I’m a meat-eating cat.”

“I think we’ve established that,” I said.

He glanced up, a piece of raw liver between his teeth.“Giving me lip, Maxie? Better don’t give me any lip. I’m the one that got us this meat. Without me, there would be kibble on the menu. So better pay me some respect.”

I blinked.“Um, are you feeling all right, Brutus?”

“Course I’m feeling all right.” He grinned at Harriet, his bloodied teeth an awful sight. “I’m feeling on top of the world, ain’t that right, snuggle puss?”

“That’s right, my cuddle man.”

Then he dug in again.

I directed a worried look at Dooley, but he was still dreaming about Norma, his face displaying a moronic look. Well, even more moronic than usual.

I sidled up to Harriet.“Is Brutus all right? He seems… aggressive.”

“He’s just fine,” said Harriet, darting loved-up looks at her cat. “I told him that the reason I was so attracted to Diego was because he acted like a real cat. A butch cat, if you know what I mean. Not like you and Dooley, who are just a tad too sweet for my taste.” She sighed. “I lovea cat who’s tough and strong. A catly cat. And I think Brutus got the message loud and clear.”

I groaned.“You turned him back into a bully?”

“Not a bully,” she said with a look of reproach. “A catly cat.”

“What does that even mean?!”

Brutus looked up.“Hey! Don’t talk to my lady like that, Max. Show some respect.”

“Brutus, my friend,” I began.

He gave me the evil eye.“Don’t go getting all soft on me again, Max. We’re all catly cats together. There’s no reason to get mushy.” He directed a grin at Harriet. “Isn’t that right, sugar lips?”

“That’s absolutely right, my stud muffin,” she cooed.

Brutus took me aside, and whispered,“Just play along, Max! She likes me all butch and macho so butch and macho is what she gets. Capisce?”

“But I liked you better when you were, you know, normal!”

Brutus rolled his eyes.“Haven’t you ever been in love, Max?”

“Um, no?”

He punched my chest.“Fall in love, and then we’ll talk again. And now don’t cramp my style, buddy. I’m warning you. Don’t ruin this for me.”

“What are you two whispering about, Brutus?” Harriet asked.

“Just telling this chump what’s what, my queen.” Quieter, he hissed, “I like you, Max. I like you a lot, and I wanna thank you for what you did for me. But this is how it’s gonna be from now on, got me?” Then, louder again, “You little weasel! If you talk to me like that again, I’m kicking your big, hairy, orange butt!”

And then he stalked off, leaving me staring after him, floored.

Oh, great. Instead of a real bully, now I got the Actors Studio version.

Dooley wandered over.“Don’t you think Norma’s fur is the color of—”

“No, I don’t!” I interrupted him brutally. “And please don’t talk to me about that cat again. Ever!”

Dooley stared at me, rudely awakened from his roseate dream. And as I sat there, moping, suddenly Harriet stole over to me. She gave me a gentle shove.“Maxie,” she said in a sultry voice. “I never saw this side of you before. When did you become all dominant and butch?”

I stared at her.“Huh?”

She giggled, a low and seductive sound.“I like this new Max a lot better than the old one. How about we share a piece of chicken?”

This was just too much. After all this nonsense with Diego, and now Brutus, she wanted to steal my chicken? No way!“You’ve got your own damn piece of chicken,” I snapped. “I’m not sharing mine.”

“Ooh, Maxie,” she cooed. “My butchy Maxie!”

And then she threw herself into my paws and kissed me!

4.5. PURRFECT SANTA

Chapter 1